From TY:
~As a sexual assault survivor there have been many times where I have 
wondered...and feared...that I too may cause harm to another child. At first 
I thought that it was just me, and then, I found someone else who voiced 
their fears to me. Since that time, many years ago, I have found others who, 
like myself, have come from a background of pain and carry the fear that 
they will one day inflict that pain onto their children. I am here to tell 
you that there is good news!

A couple years ago I came across the following article that helped put my 
heart and mind at ease. This article helped me realize that my 
fears...althought understandable...do not necessarily mean that I will abuse 
my children. In fact, this article points out more to me that as a sexual 
assault survivor we are LESS LIKELY to pass on the pain.
I know for me, as I will soon have a little one in my midst, this comes as a 
relief to me. May you find the same peace in your heart and soul as you 
read...



VICTIMS NOT DESTINED TO BE ABUSERS
Birth to Three
By Phyllis Barkhurst
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Some time ago, I was talking with a 14-year-old boy, "Johnny", who had been 
sexually abused by his uncle when he was 7, 8 and 9. At some point in our 
conversation, he turned and asked, "When will I abuse a kid? When will it 
happen to me?"

As Johnny asked this question, it all came pouring out, years of fear and 
terror that he was going to "turn into" a sex offender. Johnny said that 
from the time he disclosed his uncle's abuse, he had heard adults talking 
about how being sexually abused is what causes someone to be a sex offender. 
He heard with certainty from many of the adults involved that his uncle 
wouldn't have molested him unless he himself had been molested as a child. 
He heard people talking about the "cycle of abuse", and it "runs in 
families". As he grew, this fear was fed by what he saw in popular media, 
including news and talk shows.

By asking the question, "When is it going to happen to me?" Johnny was 
revealing his deepest fears, an overwhelming and underlying terror that had 
added unnecessary pain to his already traumatized life.

A 15-year-old survivor, "Maria", told me that she was recently fired from a 
baby-sitting job when the parents "found out" that she had been molested as 
a child. They were afraid for their own children and told her so. Maria was 
devastated and stigmatized. I wonder if the concerned parents know that they 
themselves have traumatized a child - the very thing they were trying to 
avoid.

Last week I was talking with a battered woman, "Tisha", who was concerned 
about her daughter and son. She told me that she needed to "break the cycle" 
of domestic violence in her family and was so afraid that her son would grow 
up to be a batterer, her daughter a victim. Tisha and others had related 
these fears tothe children (11-year-old girl and 9-year-old boy) and have 
spent the last several months telling the children they will have to work 
hard to avoid this.

The truth is that the overwhelming majority of adults sexually abused as 
children do not go on to become sex offenders. If molesting children were 
the sole cause of child sexual abuse, we would have reached, exponentially, 
100 percent of the population as sex offenders years ago. Being sexually 
abused as a child does not cause someone to sexually abuse another.

Living in a household with domestic violence does not cause children to grow 
to become the next generation of either victim or batterer. In fact, a huge 
number, possibly the majority, of those who spend their lives working to 
eliminate the sexual and domestic violence are survivors of past abuse 
themselves. This is what they choose to do wth their experience.

It would be so wonderful to have a simple easy answer to what causes people 
to become sex offenders or batterers. Much research has gone into studying 
the issues with some interesting results. Studies show that children who 
grow up in many different types of homes are MORE LIKELY to learn behaviors 
or attitudes that affect the choices they make as adults. Researchers found 
that children who grew up in homes where they were physically abused and 
children who grew up in domestic violent homes - but were never touched - 
had similar levels of abuse in their lives. Those who grew up in homes where 
women were not respected and even treated with contempt had the highest 
level of violence in their lives as adults - whether there was violence or 
abuse of any kind in the household.

According to research conducted using polygraph tests, convicted sex 
offenders were twice as likely NOT to have experienced sexual abuse as 
children. In other words, only one in three had been sexually abused as a 
child. What they had in common in much higher numbers was a pattern of 
thinking errors that told them that they had a right to do whatever they 
wanted for their own gratification; that although they molested children, it 
wasn't really their fault and that the children brought the abuse on 
themselves.

Except for pedophiles (who are sexually attracted to children rather than 
adults), sex offenders and batterers have learned behaviors and attitudes 
that they use to give themselves permission for their own behavior. The 
bottom line is that using a child for sexual gratification is a choice; 
using physical intimidation to control is a choice.

A majority of adults who experienced this abuse choose not to abuse others. 
As individuals, we have the power to think and choose for ourselves, to 
reject unhealthy or abusive messages we received at home and from society, 
and to refuse to use or abuse anyone else.

Most children who were sexually abused or came from violent homes can 
describe what a difficult task it can be to define oneself as a healthy and 
nonviolent adult - so can most adults who were never abused. However, look 
around you - most of us are working with, living with, or socializing with 
these success stories every day.

I told Johnny that whether or not he became a sex offender was a choice he 
had, just like deciding whether or not to run over his arch enemy with a 
bicycle was his choice. I told him he had the control over what kind of man 
he will become - and the responsibility.

He will need to hear this message many more times to really believe it - and 
this is a role all of us can play. We can give positive messages to the 
Marias and Johnnys that their lives are about choice. We can support them in 
their journey to unlearn and relearn attitudes or beliefs that support 
domestic or sexual violence. Most of all, we can refuse to label child 
surivors as the next generation of victims or offenders. Experiencing 
domestic or sexual violence as children defines issues that need attention - 
it does not determine destiny.


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Phyllis Barkhurst has been working on issues of violence against women since the early 1980s.
She cofounded Oregon Attorney General's Sexual Assault Task Force and was Executive Director
for over five years.

For more information about the Task Force and ending sexual violence, visit the following two links:

www.oregonsatf.org

endsexualviolence.oregonsatf.org

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